“The Jedi People’s Republic of Nu Zeelind, also known as “Sheep Light District“, is the world’s largest dairy farm, and was invented by J. R. R. Tolkien for a joke in the late 1900s. Manufactured using several quadrillion sheep’s droppings, the nutrient rich crap has solidified into four large-ish islands: The North Island; The South Island; The Stewardess Island; and The Other Island. It also consists of a few smaller islands and a group of moderately sized fishing boats owned by Ngai Tahu and bound together with baling twine, #8 fencing wire and duct tape. These latter islands and fishing boats are currently adrift in the South Pacific Ocean as a result of the global economic crisis.

According to indigenous legends, a man named Meowi (descendant of Kitler) fished up the North Island. Nuu Zeiland is a multicultural society with 4 million people, and eighteen billion sheep. Unlike the United States of America and Australia it is a peaceful country with little violent crime or in-breeding. The country is located far from nearly everywhere else and just next to the arsehole of the World (see Australia). Nu Zeelind is ruled by Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement (leaders of the political party Flight of the Conchords’) who demand to be called the Hiphoppopotamus and the Rhymenoceros (reverent titles in the New Zealish language)…….

…Basic New Zealish phrases – mainly said by Maori/Polynesians in South Auckland and Cannons Creek:

  • “Not even eeeooww”
  • “oh bro you got a dollah?”
  • “Cuz”
  • “Sup Bro!”
  • “Oi!”
  • “You’se are gay”
  • “I’ll Bash Yo!”
  • “Got A Light?”
  • “Want a drink at the pub mate?”
  • “No, Australia is a different country.” – essential for New Zealanders when overseas.

The New Zealish alphabet:

  • A is for ARM – uttered when trying to ‘thunk’ (see: thunk) alternately ‘recall’ in a real dictionary
  • B is BEER – large savage animals found in U.S. forests
  • C is for CHUPS – thinly cut and fried potatoes. They are often accompanied by Tomato Sauce and/or Battered Animal from the below sea-level. Although NZ chips are recognised as being the second worst in the world, after so called ‘fries’ in the US, they accompany 91.5% of all meals served in the country.
  • D is for DUNNO – common answer of a a drunken Kiwi’s when the officer that pulled him over asked why he was going 200 km/h in his Maaz-aa-daaa or his Suub-aar-rooo.
  • E is for EAR – what we breathe.
  • F is for FUSH – an activity claimed to be the favourite pastime of New Zealanders, whereas the truth is watching Sky TV and brushing large chips from their shoulders as they feel the rest of the world ignores them.
  • G is for GUESS – piped through to households and used for cooking or heating,
  • H is for HUCK – native money.
  • I is for INNER ME – enemy.
  • J is for JUG – an Irish dance performed by girls with large …
  • K is for KEN’S – popular tourist attraction in Queensland.
  • L is for LUST – uncontrollable, burning desire to write down items you wish to buy but don’t need – and later regret buying (aka shopping list).
  • M is for MILBURN – capital of Victoria.
  • N is for NUTTER – polite, informal conversation with a criminally-insane person (e.g. Australian).
  • O is for ONE DOZE – a pane of glass in the wall or brand of computing operating system.
  • P is for PERR-GUU-LAA – Similar to an Australian outdoor area where Beer and Beef can be consumed whilst talking about the Footy and the Bloody Labor Party, upper-class persons can sometimes afford a Spa..
  • Q is for QUAD – slang term for a British Pound Note.
  • R is for RUNGBY – Official religion of New Zealand.
  • S is for SHEEP – Victim of many a Kiwi mans wet-dream.
  • T is for THUNK – act of ‘thought’.
  • U is for UNDIES – Caribbean country (West Indies) … used to have quite good cricketers.
  • V is for VOLLEY – land area between two hulls (aka ‘hills’).
  • W is for WHALE – Something the Aussies used to make fun of us with but they failed epically ’cause they’re dumb.
  • X is for XYLOPHONE – no known translation as word is too complex for New Zillinders to pronounce.
  • Y is for YUPPIE – an expression of delight.
  • Z is ZACH – that’s how we call it. New Zach.”


Controversially ‘New Zealand Culture’ has long been listed in the Oxford English Dictionary as an example of an oxymoron. Opponents of its inclusion have counted with the observations of bacterial cultures existing in: the festering jock-straps of rugby players; the dung infested tails of sheep (considered an aphrodisiac to kiwi men from the South Island); and the few kitchens in South Auckland not being used as P labs.

Kiwi Character

Kiwis look rough, hairy and brown on the outside, but inside they are soft, sweet and green, and go excellently with fruit salad. Their legendary toughness is epitomised by Kiwis like Bucky Buck Buck, who played a full game of rugby with a ripped scrotum before sewing it up with part of an opponent’s severed tendon. He also used the opponent’s teeth as a necklace.

Another example of Kiwi toughness is Sir Hillary who, after losing the US election, retreated to Antarctica and used tractors to build an evil empire at the South Pole. His descendants still work as local guides to American Arctic explorers. They do helpful things like pitching the Americans’ piece-of-shit girl scout tents, making shelters out of duct tape when the girl scout tents get ripped to shit, signing litigation documents and redirecting the explorers to the Arctic….

Places of Interest

New Zealand is full of many exciting things to do including:

  1. Watching sheep eat
  2. Watching sheep play
  3. Watching sheep move across the hills
  4. Watching farmers have sex with sheep.
  5. Joining the farmers having sex with sheep.
  6. Watching mud boil in Rotorua.
  7. Having a mud bath in Rotorua.
  8. Having a mud bath with a sheep.
  9. Having a mud bath with a sheep and a farmer.
  10. The Rugby, Bro.
  11. Paying an extortionate amount to be driven in a coach along 90-mile Beach and wondering what the bloody point is.
  12. Driving long distances to look at the ‘majestic kauri tree’, and finding it is … a tree.

People unable to visit New Zealand can recreate the all wonders and excitment the country has to offer by staring at a wool rug and boiling a pan of soil & water on their oven top.”

Much more here: