Migrant Tales – Everyone wants to belong. Everyone.

belonging in NZ can be hard

Not everyone feels like they belong in NZ

Welcome to our Migrant Tales series – first hand accounts of the migrant experience of New Zealand.

Today’s tale was sent in by a migrant of Indian descent. They tell of facets of racism and cultural isolation, and not being permitted to belong.

Here’s their story…

Everyone wants to belong. Everyone.

I wasn’t born here, but I moved here with my parents when I was 18 months old. In truth, New Zealand is the only ‘home’ I feel like I’ve known: I’ve spent maybe 3 years in total of my whole life over various trips in India (mostly in 2 week-1month bursts), the other 19 were here. And yet I’ve found it really, really hard to call this place my home.

I had 5 years of relative sanctuary in Hamilton while I did my high schooling. Although it wasn’t entirely free of racism, it’s the closest I’ve felt to belonging.
How did I feel all the years before, and all the years after? Everytime I went ‘back where I came from’ – I didn’t fit in. And though my heart feels a connection to this beautiful land, it also grieves for the wounds in that connection.

I’m not ‘Indian enough’ to do all the Indian things that some lucky kids from my culture are able to grow up with now: we didn’t have access to classes teaching us about the language and culture and Indian dance etc. We were lucky if we had a handful of people in the same region that spoke our language and were from the same place (no, not all Indians speak ‘Indian’ and come from exactly the same slum village). And yet for the most part I didn’t feel ‘Kiwi enough’ to do ‘Kiwi things’ like camping, BBQs, bushwalks on a regular basis: we almost feel like impostors, like we were trying to be ‘grown up Kiwis’ in a group of people that could make sure we knew that they knew we were pretending, we were trying too hard and they could do it better.

There are many, many anecdotes that I could use to illustrate facets of racism and cultural isolation I feel here. And before I even go near those, let me make this one thing clear: to those who are so convinced that we have nothing to complain about, stop belittling our experiences with racism by saying things like ‘it’s not as bad as (insert country with tyrannical racism rates here-at least)’ or even better, ‘New Zealand isn’t a racist country at all’ ‘I think you should be grateful’. Okay? Just because it’s ‘not as bad as X’ does not mean it is fair. And if it isn’t fair, and we as a nation have the power to do something about it (which we do) then we should.

It isn’t fair to be repeatedly ignored when you walk into stores in the mall, regardless of how long you’ve been standing there, only to have the store assistant waltz right past you over to and welcome the white customers who just walked in with the most genuine of smiles and a plethora of cutesy small-talk. It’s clear you think you’re not wasting your time on someone who is unlikely to be able to buy whatever it is you’re selling (i.e. us). It is not fair to have someone, off the bat, who doesn’t even know you, remark that your ‘enunciation is very good for someone who has learned English as a Second Language’. To that lady -if you heard me speak my mother tongue, you’d know English is practically my only functional language- and if it was my ‘second language’, it was only so by a slim margin: I stopped speaking it after I started kindergarten- KINDERGARTEN- because I apparently I came home on the first day and told my mother “Mummy, [my mother tongue] is a dirty language. Everyone here only speaks English.” I can assure you, it wasn’t my parents who gave 4 year old me that phrase ‘a dirty language’.

It isn’t fair that even from the age of 5, no one had to tell me that I was being discriminated against by my teacher: I cannot actually remember her ever smiling at me, she made me feel left out, and labelled me ‘distracted’ during reading time (thankfully, my mother set her straight by asking her whether she’d considered that I might be bored due to a lack of stimulation in class and suggested I attended the reading class of a year above: I’d like to have seen her face when she realised that a brown kid was reading at a higher level than the rest of my white ‘English as a first language’ classmates) (The higher level reading class, by the way, was the highlight of my day. I can still remember running over to the big kids’ class in the afternoon to take part).

It isn’t fair to hear white people bemoan the ‘lack of jobs’ ‘lack of property’ ‘lack of spaces for (insert competitive degree here) for New Zealanders (read: Pakeha)’ ‘special treatment’ and then implore me to ‘be grateful’ that I’m not being physically shouted at/beaten up over my race. It isn’t fair that no matter how perfect my Kiwi accent, how impeccable my dressing, how qualified I may be: some people choose to see the colour of my skin as a barrier to relation, as a marker of inferiority. They don’t know the hurt they cause.

Those who think they can’t be racist because they are not being openly hostile to people who don’t ‘look like a Kiwi’ (why do I not look like a Kiwi to you, sir? What is a Kiwi meant to look like?), withholding the kindness that you normally show to others when you see me- before you even know me, before I’ve had a chance to offend you- is just as bad. We’re not stupid, see, we’re humans too and we can sense how you feel about us without words.

Sure this post could be more positive, and there is more I’d like to say, but the wound is raw today thanks to the ignorance of some so that might explain the negative slant of this piece.

Even thinking about things like relationships; I can’t help but worry, what if the one I fall in love with is a white person? Will his family ever, truly accept me? Will me trying to assert my own culture (whatever that is) as well as embrace his be seen as annoying, superior? What about our kids? What sort of reality will they live in, how much would that change depending on how much of my features they inherit?

I don’t know, my heart is a bit of a mess time to time regarding this topic, and this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. But if I can give one piece of advice (specifically to those people who DON’T yet do this: I have many friends who do and they are the ones that have given me hope) – is when someone trusts you enough to share their experience of racism with you, don’t draw back: don’t be frightened, don’t try to defend yourself and your unseen camaraderie with your fellow Pakeha brothers or sisters. Don’t make this about you at all. Just validate their experience. Consider the possibility that it might be true, that some of us who are, technically, by all means Kiwi (last time I checked, a Citizenship certificate sealed the deal) do not feel entirely safe, physically or emotionally, to consider themselves one. And even those who aren’t citizens have a right to be able to live in a society free of xenophobic attitudes. Yes, maybe you might feel their burden a bit heavier than you might have if you just flung back their ’emotions’ and ‘over-sensitivity’ in protest. But you’ll be more in touch with the reality of what it means to be a human in this country. And that’s something we could all use.

I know change is slow, and change takes time, but we’re all only droplets in the ocean, made of the same stuff, and it is our collective movement that has the power to turn the tide. It’s just that some of us are closer to the rocks than others: but the droplet far away from the rocks has no right to tell the droplets being smashed against the rocks that the rocks don’t exist, or aren’t as bad as the rocks elsewhere. Not that I would know how a water droplet ‘feels’ being smashed against a rock (and my English teacher would roll her eyes at this cringe-worthy use of anthropomorphism) but an analogy is an analogy.

Everyone wants to belong. Everyone.

36 thoughts on “Migrant Tales – Everyone wants to belong. Everyone.

  1. “This NZ initiated misfortune, which for a time seemed so bitter and was so hard to bear, has proved to be a blessing in disguise. The cruel blow which blighted the joys of earth, was the means of turning my eyes toward more substantial things.”

  2. Its sounds like many on this thread are fragile and extremely sensitive. My apologies if I have offended anyone with my words and ideas.
    I’m guessing the emotional feeling within this thread – belonging, isolation and loneliness, has reached deep into the psyche of many here who have been wounded by their NZ experiences.

    Its good to talk and acknowledge emotional pain in a safe way, though sometimes it gets too much for us all.

    Thanks Mod’s for determining that I was speculating as to the assistant’s thought processes, and not expressing my own personal opinion. So my apologies if it appeared to some I was being racist. I was literally clumsy making a dumb speculation joke re zoo cashier, and could have been more sensitive toward others here.

    I am part Cheesehead myself, a Dutch National, and I believe its common for us to make inappropriate comments. As Dutch are neighbors of the polite and diplomatic English, I think the Dutch developed an antipathy toward reserve and politeness, as is common behaviors among neighbors to become polar opposites.

  3. The problem is, NZ is still stuck in the past.

    In the Uk (please don’t take offence at the language I’m about to use) you use to have “the paki shop” it was a frequent saying that probably phased out in the 90’s.

    This is obviously wrong, and thankfully for all races and nationalities this kind of labelling has slowly more or less disappeared.

    While in NZ, I heard the same, the Indian shop, the Chinese shop, not based on what they sold, but based on what colour and creed the shop keeper was.

    This sort of labelling was rife, in retail, construction and in family/friend relationships.

    I am white British, thankfully living in the UK, it was quite uncomfortable to see and hear how mainly the white British expats and white kiwis were so use to speaking like this.

    The Maori’s have it bad, they are well and truly looked upon as utter trash by a fair few over their. Funnily enough they were the nicest people I met over there.

  4. I can relate to this writer’s experience so well, as I am currently going through the same phase.
    I am a Korean New Zealander and I came to NZ when I was 10. I grew up here believing that once I had a good degree and developed a successful career for myself here, I won’t be subject to much racism.
    I couldn’t have been more wrong.
    I realised after more than 15 years that Kiwis generally don’t give a shit about what you’ve achieved or how hard you’re working, if you don’t LOOK “Kiwi” enough.
    I’m engaged to a white Kiwi man and we have a great relationship, but I still find that he isn’t capable of fully understanding what life is like for me here. He still gets defensive when I point out how racist and small-minded Kiwis can be. It’s a work in progress and we are trying to overcome this issue.
    Like most comments here, I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will never truly be accepted here and to be honest, I no longer want to be accepted by these people that are too lazy to try, but feel like they’re entitled to everything immigrants work their asses off for, and will blame all NZ’s problems on immigrants and tourists.
    NZ used to feel like home to me, but unfortunately I don’t think it will ever feel like home again.

    • Kiwiornot, your Kiwi fiance will never get it. You will always be the malcontent who just doesn’t “get” it. You’ll hear the word “lifestyle” a lot, and references to “what a great place NZ is to bring up children”. In the face of so much reported reality, Kiwis frequently seem hypnotised by their own advertising.

      You mentioned that you have a fiance. Please never forget this: If you marry and have children with a Kiwi, in NZ, the children are stuck here. You may leave, but you will not be permitted by law to remove the children overseas to live without your spouse’s express permission – and that permission will be almost impossible to obtain.

      Think very, very carefully. If you are this unhappy now, how unhappy will you be 5 years down the line and stuck here until your kids are grown? If you have any intention to leave, you must leave before children are born.

    • I’m actually still waiting to hear from the Asian guy married or going to marry the Caucasian kiwi girl, about how he deals with it.

      Seems that type of pairing either doesn’t exist or is much fewer in number than Asian girl married to Caucasian kiwi in New Zealand.

      I wonder why? Any ideas?

      • Everyone wants to marry up[generally]. For an Asian women marrying a local man it is perceived as marrying up. A local woman marrying an Asian immigrant male is marrying down, a foreigner.
        Plus size matters too as many Asian men are shorter than many kiwi girls,, if you know what I mean..

        Asian females will intuitively understand the racial dynamics in NZ,, and desire a Caucasian male so as to improve the chances of survival of their offspring. Yeah I know, intuition is not always right! This is primordial programming as female mammals have done for millennia, the strongest biggest male often wins out.

        The offspring will be larger too, also giving them advantage
        [in a wild olde brutal world, not a future new renaissance,, that is yet, but will one day arrive]

        Beam me up Scotty.

      • That’s not unique to New Zealand. Asian men are bottom of the dating ladder in Western society. As my ex (who is a Kiwi girl) told me, ‘That’s just how it is so get over it.’

        Prostitution is legal in this country though. Most working girls don’t discriminate.

      • @P Ray: I know this runs the risk of being off topic, but the question that you posed is interesting to discuss. I am a European male married to NZ-born person of European descent. My personal belief is that people should stick to their own type, but I also believe everyone has the right to choose their partner. I would prefer my daughter to marry another European, but I would respect her choice.

        As a Western man, I think many Asian women are more feminine and make better mates than most Kiwi or other Western women. I suspect that many white men have realised this and stayed away from many modern white women. This is why many quality men often choose not to marry at all. As a man, you run the risk of having someone run off with half your wealth, your kids, and force you to pay alimony and child support simply if she wakes up “unfulfilled” when she assumes her life is not the way Oprah says it should be. Therefore, it makes sense to choose judiciously. Women raised outside the West are often better people.

        Additionally, I think that many Asian men are too timid with women. This is admittedly a generalisation, but I have had a couple Asian male friends who simply overcomplicate things with women. I suspect this factor is a combination of culture and personality. Incidentally, I run into many smart white men with the same problem and these men often lament that black men are more successful than they are. My experience is that if one is polite and has a pair to talk to a woman, then the chances of success are good.

        Lastly, I think a not so subtle form of media propaganda depicts Asian men unfavourably. There are jokes about them being nerds, having small penises, or being uncool. I also see similar propaganda directed at white men, many of whom the media depicts as a Homer Simpson.

        I am not a racist, but I am not a huge fan of multiculturalism. I like societies like Japan, South Korea, or China that are largely homogenous. I would much rather ride on a clean metro in Asia filled with courteous people who look nothing like me than in a dirty metro in Paris, London, or New York where most people look like me. Asian societies have enough sense not to import Islamist freeloaders, as is happening with Germany. I will take Tokyo over Berlin any day.

    • I appreciate the advice but I really didn’t intend for my comment to start a debate on inter-racial relationships.
      Although we are still working through the issue of racism, my fiance is very considerate and thoughtful of my culture and is always willing to learn more (very different to that other guy on this site married to a Korean woman who spewed out nothing but negative things about the Korean culture), and for that I’m more than satisfied in my choice of future husband.
      I am only unhappy as a minority NZ citizen, but I am happy in my relationship.
      Through my constant reminders, he is slowly opening his eyes to the fact that NZ is not the paradise he once thought it was. We are seriously considering moving overseas in a few years.

      I don’t wish to keep defending my relationship, but some replies do bother me:
      1) I was a NZ citizen before meeting my fiance, so technically speaking I was just as “local” as he was
      2) My fiance is the same age as me, so I’m not an Asian woman wanting to marry an older guy
      3) I had never even dated white guys before and was shying away from even the idea of dating white guys because I knew how most people viewed Asian woman-white man couples. Same goes for my fiance- he was never interested in dating Asian girls before me.
      4) I have a slightly higher qualification than my fiance, and we are both equally successful in our respective careers, which means I am definitely NOT “marrying up”. I’m well aware of how random strangers may still think that, but that’s a societal issue which I can’t help.

      Guys, I hate racism in NZ but inter-racial relationship has nothing to do with the issue- hopefully it will have a positive effect on racism over time, when more and more people have mixed heritage. There are a growing number of legitimate inter-racial couples in NZ. Let’s please change the negative perception.

      • With all due respect, just because things had worked out for you doesn’t mean that inter-racial relationship has nothing to do with racism. As an Asian man who grew up here, who felt that I have been robbed of a chance of having a family, kids, and a ‘normal’ life. And the depth that I had to sink to get some company – I certainly don’t feel that the lack of (in this case) inter-racial relationship has nothing to with racism.

        And if it sounds like that you hit a chord. Yes you did. And I bet I’m not the only one.

  5. Yup, the ones who have travelled overseas think and act very differently. At least, more open-minded and willing to know the others.

  6. Couldn’t agree more.

    Just went to Auckland Zoo recently and before we left I went into the souvenir shop to have a look. Things are pricey and yet unattractive for me to spend a penny on. Yet I managed to find the postcard that costs 10 cents each. I was so overwhelmed and then confirmed again with the cashier for the price again. I have no age discrimination against old worker but this lady is really rude. After telling me the price she asked if I lived in Auckland. Then she said nothing after I told her ‘yes’.

    What does her question imply? My spoken English is not better than hers but did that affect the manner she treat me, a customer? I overheard how she greeted the last customers with ‘Happy New Year’, and of course I got nothing. Does my face and language make the difference?

    No wonder why the retail market is so poor, because the sales people never know the proper way of treating customers and act very unprofessionally.

    And don’t forget Auckland Zoo is supposed as a top tourist spot here. What a shame!

    • ‘What does her question imply?’

      It implies that she is a racist and offended by you cheeky monkeys double checking the price!

      • But the irony is if you are over 50 to 55 in NZ good luck ever finding another Job. You just won’t get employed. Unfortunately these people are stuck in the never ending cycle of shit in a low paying job that they hate in a city/country that will strip you of every cent.

        • Her job in Auckland Zoo, a place where tourists like to visit, is like a cultural ambassador right? She can dislike her job for many reasons and quit if she finds herself hard to treat customers in a welcoming way.

          • I liken it to a theme park in which employees will likely be treated poorly and they are on a low wage. They don’t care about a customer/Tourist. They only care about being paid and definitely are not cultural ambassadors.

            If she was to Quit what would she do. Join the increasing homeless population made up of the elderly. With the economy about to tank…(look at all the warning signs) she will probably end up there anyway

            I wasn’t there to observe the situation(and not defending her actions)I am just putting another perspective on things. People are desperate in this place. I would be more concerned about being mugged/stabbed/crashed into by some muppet loaded up on P .

        • The Zoo also recruits lots of volunteers and quite a lot are elderly people. They work there with no money reward and yet I can see smiles on their faces each time I visit and they are very helpful to visitors.

          I can’t see the logic here. What she’s done to foreign visitors, like me, didn’t correlate to the fact that she wants to stay in her job.

          I want to share my other experience at Farmer’s earlier. It’s the young energetic staff who left me clueless of the gift I wanted to claim and an old senior elderly staff who made the initiative to check for me.

          So does her work ethic mean she’s better paid than the younger staff?

      • I wouldn’t say its racism. She probably is the same towards most. Angry at for being stuck in this dump on minimum wage

        • So I need to be understanding towards this? She probably get very stressful due to the misbehavior of many tourists that increase her workload, and not her wage.

        • maybe, but MW did note that:
          “I overheard how she greeted the last customers with ‘Happy New Year’, and of course I got nothing. Does my face and language make the difference?”

  7. You are still relatively young, you have a chance to think things through and plan your life. As a Chinese immigrant who was moved to NZ since I was 12, I completely understand what you are saying, and I have experienced a lot of what you have. I have spent the last few years coming to terms with how life is inherently not fair and how important it is to be born with the right skin colour – white. While it is harsh, here is what I wish someone would have told me 10 years ago:

    1) As an Indian/ Chinese, you will be treated like a second class citizen and an outcast in most Western country. No matter how successful you are.
    2) Things are going to get worse – look at Brexit, Trump and with NZ election next year Wonton Peters is going to be drumming up the anti-immigration sentiment.
    3) You can earn a decent living in NZ, especially if you have a professional job. If may be harder to get your foot in the door but if you are good, once you are in you can go up very quickly because they are so short of competent people.
    4) Relationship wise is going to be difficult. If you don’t want to ‘stick with you own kind’ as they like to say, Indian/ Chinese are very low on the dating list. Females have it better on this aspect.
    5) If you move back to your country of origin, your quality of life will likely to be worse and you will still be an outcast

    So I don’t think there is a clear choice for people like us who don’t belong anywhere. When I make a decision, sometimes I am reminded of the quote, ’The goal in life is not to be happy, it’s to keep misery to the minimum.’

    Good luck!

    • 5) If you move back to your country of origin, your quality of life will likely to be worse and you will still be an outcast.

      Monetarily you will probably be worse off… but who knows for other qualities of life?

      • I could sell my house in Auckland City and live like a Raja with 20 younger wives and never have to work ever again. I could be near the beach, go surfing and smoke hash all day long. Hey wait, what??

  8. Even being local born “Pakeha” won’t necessarily get you across the line with most Kiwis.

    I’m half Kiwi, half British and have always been just different enough not to quite fit in – even with the Kiwi side of the family. One example is that my accent is just very slightly British enough to be seemingly offensive and sometimes attract the funny looks and comments that express the sentiment “you think you’re a bit flash, eh”.

    I could have done what some half-Kiwis did and just trash the other half of me and get into the beersies, watch some rugger and never attempt any sort of intelligent conversation, but I just couldn’t do it. So I withdrew, kept my head down, tried not to seem too “otherly”, took holidays overseas for some respite. It does gets lonely though.

    The best solution for you, sadly, is to try to find a path to emigration to another country. Don’t waste any more of your precious youth! I’ve persevered for decades but nothing changes. I’m finally making my escape in 2017.

    Best of luck to you.

    • Your comment resonates with me. I am from the UK with a Kiwi wife, our children are at school and have been in NZ from a young age. For some reason, our children don’t seem to quite fit in at school. I often think that the NZ schools my children attend have some very strong families and inter generational friendship groups. Impossible to break into! I have talked to Kiwis who have moved from different Cities and they have experienced the same brick wall, so it isn’t just immigrants having these issues. I have heard comments like “Some bloody Jafas” have started at the school so perhaps parochial animosity is just as strong as the racial stuff.

      • Really sounds like an example of
        “old money” vs “new money”.
        Of course, this also may mean that the “old money” may have a lot of scandals hushed up as they are deeply enmeshed in the community.
        If the judges and the police are in this group, expect that (even more?) lawbreaking may be swept under the carpet.
        Just an example of the disadvantages of a “tight knit community, going back a long time ago”.

      • You are quite correct in your observations. What you are encountering is tribalism.
        This tribalism (at a local, regional and national level) is a significant factor in the difficulties faced by foreigners – and even their children – attempting to assimilate into NZ.

  9. “Just validate their experience.”

    “Yes, maybe you might feel their burden a bit heavier than you might have if you just flung back their ’emotions’ and ‘over-sensitivity’ in protest.”

    I do get your message that you convey in your migrant experience, its emotional plea has spurned me to a great extent that I comment again.

    One of listening and validating.

    Since coming to E2NZ website, whenever I am now in the company of Indians or Asians, Polynesians and Euro’s, in NZ, even if no communicating is happening in the contact, my eyes soften and my heart sends forth a spirit of softness and compassion.

    For Kiwis, the problem is if they open their heart to your suffering they risk joining you in pain and isolation. Like bullying at school or in the workplace, few stand up to the bullies, because they may become targets too. Its a herd mentality. Kind of ironic karma considering NZ’s farming sector dominance!!

    Kiwis have spent lifetimes nay generations building up resilience to survive the psychic environment of godzone,, killing animals and plants for export,, so siding up to you and your painful experience is a big ask for anyone who has developed a guarded and hyper-vigilant, thick skinned, tough guy personality.

    Kiwis also consume a great deal of meat and animal products, which creates a personality which is anathema to that of a vegetarian race. It might be said that India, the spiritual country, is a polar opposite of NZ’s value system.

    I dont wish to judge meat vrs vegetarian lifestyles here, but see a cognitive dissonance between the two peoples. One ‘punches above its weight’ and collects many Olympic medals for its population, the other despite being over 1 billion people, wins very few medals. Indians could care less about sports!

    The difference in values is massively huge in relation to almost any pair of nations, and this causes Indian immigrants to try and westernize in harmful ways to themselves and others around them. Many drown at our beaches! The urge to adapt and assimilate can produce responses and behaviors that wouldn’t normally be expressed, if not for the crisis of ego prompted by kiwi-fication motives.

    Anyhoo’s, I dont wish to hog your thread mate, but I resonant with your theme of isolation. Mine is made worse by the fact I have a neuro-disabilty of ADHD.

    My dysfunctional family, AND dysfunctional NZ society, and the ignorant and aggravating poor medical system,,,,,[Hi Morons!] has worsened this initial combination of ADHD/migrant-experience-racism/suck-full family, and produced a much worse accompanying PTSD, which is far far greater than the ADHD, family dysfunction and racism.

    Healing from this psychic stress placed on me by agents of the state has been very hard, but has made me what I am here today. The experience has been a great journey of discovery.

    If I wasn’t now trying to be understanding and forgiving I would be full of rage, or despair. I have been to hell and back because of NZ. Karma has a way of destroying you or making you stronger. At each crossroad we have a choice. I went down many wrong roads. My family karmic burden has been very large. The sins of the father are visited upon the child.

    Try to understand kiwis and forgive their ways,, there is a spiritual choice to love or hate. Vote with your feet, not your heart. India or another nation may hold many gifts for you. Here is like cats and dogs fighting.

  10. I have been here from when I was 1 year old too.
    Adding thought and consciousness to the misery of isolation can make the issue seem bigger, like worrying over something.
    Personally, now I like to put a positive spin on things, a bit like Immigration NZ or Police crime statistics fiction.

    So like the long held complaint of The Chinese: that they dont assimilate.
    And now neither do I.

    Why should I try to make merry with people who eat sausages wrapped in white bread with tomato sauce? Drink poorly made beer by the truckload, multiple strong coffees over a day, too many chippies and pies? Display backward behaviors and repressed emotional states?

    Why would any slim, educated, sober, well fed, calm, thoughtful, Chinese person want to lower their standards by assimilating??

    I dont wish to rain on your parade of ‘loving the tears’, but the ‘victim of NZ’ mentality has served its purpose but run its course, for me now.

    I wouldn’t say I have ‘hardened up’, but rather say I have emotionally moved on from worrying about this society and its current downward trajectory.

    It has taken me a long time though, to move on.

    But as for arguing with idiots and them beating you with experience, I realized people watching would not be able to tell the difference between me and them. Never argue with idiots.

    For many years I was beset by NZ’s ills,, and conspired and designed to hatch secret plans to fix them all from their hellish realm’s of consciousness. This is not possible. Financial interests wish things as they are. And like a faux Darwinian natural order, many perish by the wayside of time. Just like they always have.

    PS I dont wish to minimize your pain of isolation, I have known this pain for a long time too, but just to highlight a state of mind born of a vain longing [to belong].

    For me, hope is a crutch now. Hope in something better, rather than hopelessness and helplessness among the great unwashed. NZ is a brutal and cruel society with world leading social harms index’s.

    Be in this world but not of this world.

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